The Story Of When He Cheated On Me

The Story Of When He Cheated On Me

*For their own protection and privacy I’m going to change their names even though I’m pretty sure you will actually know who I’m on about anyway*

*This is just one story of the many boyfriends that have cheated on me but this is the one that has had the most impact on me mentally*

 

Okay, so by the title you can tell that this is the story of when an ex boyfriend cheated on me, I don’t have ANY contact with him & I don’t think he even knows that I write this blog, I just hope he never finds out about it!

I have never really felt loved, or really been in love with someone, at the time, I might have felt a great lust and love for that person, but I just knew in the back of my mind, it wasn’t love, it wasn’t what “love” was supposed to be. My friends would tell me this over and over again and tell me to leave while I still could, but I stayed, only because really in my mind, he was the only person I wanted to be with, even though realistically he would only break my heart more in the long run to how much he was at the time.

There was this one guy, lets name him Harry, Harry was a really nice guy, attractive, funny, sensitive when he needed to be, but it just wasn’t “Love” at the time, I was in-love with him, he knew just HOW much I was in love with him, I thought I would last forever with him, I thought he was the greatest person to walk this earth, but really he wasn’t. He would lie to me, and not forgetting that he did actually cheat on me, even though he is claiming he didn’t and that he came out as gay to me, just short of two weeks of getting back together with me after a “break”. I mean, how can someone say that they’re gay but still be in-love with that certain person. His “cousin” messaged me saying that he was cheating on me, at the time, I was the type of person who just wouldn’t confront someone and I would just let them get away with anything they wanted, this I know now, wasn’t the way to go. Anyway, I brushed it off as she was just trying to stir things up because you know how some certain girls can be. I spoke to a few of my friends about it because I was just feeling so confused about the whole situation, they all said that I should ask him first hand about it, if he loved me then he would just tell me the truth, no matter how hard that is for him.

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He told me the truth. It turned out to be true. I was, to say the least DEVASTATED! I honestly felt so sick with the whole thing, I thought I could trust him, I thought that he wouldn’t do it again (just as a reference to that he cheated on me previously to December when we broke up officially and managed to get passed that). I just didn’t want to talk to him at that point, but the stupid inner me said “It’s okay” and thinking about now I would have KICKED myself for that LIKE OF COURSE IT’S NOT OKAY WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT AMY BREAK UP WITH HIM.

We managed to last until the end of December just before Christmas and my birthday, and that was a couple of weeks after he told me the devastating news, literally I was destroyed.  This wasn’t how I wanted to end a on-and-off two and a half year relationship.

He told me he was gay and that he “felt” gay about 6 months into the relationship, but what fucked me up the most about that was he waited until two years after to tell me that the first time he cheated on me was just an excuse for me to leave him, but I am a reasonable person and will always give people second chances, and I know in that situation I gave second, third or fourth chances, which I know was stupid but I was SO in love with him  I couldn’t help myself.

Another thing to mention is that he was REALLY horrible to one of my best friends that just happens to be gay, he would be so homophobic and that just doesn’t make sense if he’s claiming to be gay himself.

Now don’t get me wrong the first part of the relationship was great, he made me so happy, but then it became lie after lie and the longer I left to break up with him while I still had the chance, the more hurt I was after he really did break up with me and it was really over.

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I really felt like I was being used, my trust was abused, and bruised, crumpled like paper, I’ve never been able to trust any guys in the way that I should, it takes me A LOT to trust a guy, proper trust them in ways I won’t get paranoid if he replies late or goes out with friends, it literally makes me feel fucking CRAZY.

Being cheated on DOES affect someone in ways you won’t understand if you haven’t been cheated on, I don’t know what goes through someones head when they cheat, imagine breaking someones heart, and causing them so much pain & upset to that they can’t trust anyone without being crazy and paranoid that there’s someone else as well as them.

Looking back now giving Harry a second or third chance over and over again was really stupid and dumb and I knew that, but my friends knew just how much I loved him, it didn’t even matter what he did to hurt me, I thought he was a saint.

He would tell me that he didn’t love me anymore, and call me names, almost emotionally abusing me, calling me names to damage my self-confidence, which at the time I never told anyone that, that’s exactly what was going on, what I told my friends was a completely different story to what was actually going on behind closed doors.

My mistakes I will learn from them, only learn from them and I will make sure that history NEVER repeats itself, that experience was horrible, and I really just wish that I had broken up with him before I became so damaged from all the lies and things he was telling me. I am a stronger person now and I have learnt to take control of myself and how others treat me, I will no longer be walked all over.

 

Thank you for reading this post if you read right until the end, it means a lot to me. Keep smiling 🙂 x x

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My Body Confidence & How I Feel About My Body

My Body Confidence & How I Feel About My Body

Since I was a child I have always been smaller than the people of my own age, I’m 20, I’m a size 6 top and a size 6-8 trousers, give or take the size depending on the style of trousers. I don’t think I have ever been confident about my body, which to be honest isn’t not normal I’ll admit, people are bound to have body confidence issues growing and becoming a young lady.

The main reason for my body confidence issues is my birth mark (hemangioma, also known as a pork wine stain because of it’s colour when it first appears). As many of you may know I have a condition called Neurofibromatosis type 1. The birth mark however is nothing to do with my condition. Pictured below is what my back looks like now, I don’t have any photos of what it looked like when I was a baby/young child.

 

I was told by my parents that when I was a young child that it was red raw in colour and described as a steak, the thickness was the thickness of a steak and it would bleed profusely at times. There was one time when I had to be rushed to hospital and my parents drove through the middle of the town and even went through red lights just to save my life. They were told by the doctors that if it was bleeding to get me to hospital IMMEDIATELY.

Since growing up I have always been self conscious of my back and what it looks like, I don’t like it. I don’t like having this massive scar on my back, it makes me feel, I don’t really know but it doesn’t make me feel beautiful. I have never wanted to wear a bikini or tops that show my back. I don’t want that anymore.

I have wanted to wear bikinis for ages but I have never had the confidence to do so, I don’t want people pointing and laughing about my back making sneer remarks and just making fun. The other week I went to the beach with my friends and it was the first time that I had worn a bikini in confidence and I felt good about myself. I felt happy, and that was the first time that happened to me.

My back causes me problems, for example it makes me very cold very quickly, or it makes me very hot very quickly, so obviously I do have to be careful when out in the sun and wearing bikinis but I don’t want that to stop me wearing bikinis and feeling good about myself.

Pictured above is a picture of me wearing a swimming costume and I feel confident when wearing it, it covers my back and it makes me happy to be able to feel confident about wearing a swimming costume and not feel so self conscious about my back and the way it looks.

I am going on holiday next week and I’m hoping that I can feel confident enough to wear a bikini or a swimming costume!!

I have always been smaller than the average 20 year old, but I am now so much more confident about myself, I am young, healthy & full of self confidence again, I hope that it stays and that I won’t let my back stop me from wearing a bikini and feeling good about myself.

I will never let my back or my smaller figure get in the way of my happiness and confidence, I will never let anyone’s horrible comments stop me from being happy!

Write in the comments a positive quote for others to read about body confidence!

Amy x